Overheard:

DM: You're on a ship that's just pulled away from port.
Elf Thief: I steal from the dwarf.
DM: AGAIN? (rolls) Failed.
Dwarf Mage: I cast Flaming Hands at the elf.
DM: Your flaming hands set the deck of the ship on fire.
Elf: I jump overboard and swim for shore.
Dwarf: I jump overboard as well, forgetting I am unable to swim.
Elf: I swim back to rescue the dwarf.

They swim back to shore fighting with each other the whole way. By the time they reach dry land, they're both almost dead - the dwarf from a near drowning, and the elf from a magical pummelling. The DM had to send in a golden dragon to rescue them. Rather than asking for help from the dragon to continue the quest (which was the DM's intention), they pester it to the point where it flies off. So they steal a gold bar from the dragon's lair and make a run for it. They got away successfully but then couldn't figure out how to divvy up the gold bar, so they started fighting again.

This just happened to me and my buddies during our first session of a new d20 modern game. It was a superhero campaign, but the GM just took the mutation rules from d20 apocalypse, so most of our "powers" weren't all that effective, and we started out at level 4 and 5 to compensate.

Characters:

Drew - GM
Me - Dr. Thompson Hunter, a 22 year old college drop out turned scientist who inherited a long lost uncle's estate (a ton of money, a neat castle, and many odd steampunk-esque weapons and technologies.) Wields a Tokarev pistol, a magic-missle shooting ray gun, and a burning hands-style flame guantlet.
Eli - Superhero name "Sting" - a part human/part scorpion
Brad - Achilles, strong, tough, angel winged brawler
Sam - Chameleon - a sneaky man with adaptive camo skin and a Tec-9 SMG

We had just arrived on the scene of a bank robbery, before the police had arrived, Eli and Sam on a motorcyle, Brad flew, carrying me. We dispatched the two robbers in from of the bank with ease in a single round, and pondered what to do to the remaining three holed up inside.

We didn't want to shoot up the place, and we'd lose anyway. The three burglers were armed with G3 rifles, our best weapon was Sam with his "gat." Brad flew up high to look for police, and Sam squeezed into a duct, attempting to sneak into a good ambush position.

I was rather bored, since my Tokarev skills were no match for three automatic rifles, my ray gun was neat, but didn't dish out enough hurt in one turn, and my flame gauntlets only reached 10 ft. Any frontal assault would be suicide. Eli was in the same boat. Sam tried to take a pot shot at a robber, but missed and was seen. I figured I had to do something fast. I remembered the motorcycle.

My character took off his shirt.

Sam's character heard an engine revving from outside and thought to himself "Oh, hell."

To quote my GM - "BRACE FOR EPIC!"

Long story short - A skinny shirtless guy wielding a 70-80 year old pistol and Flash Gordon-style ray gun, a half man/half scorpion, and what appeared to be a very generic-looking angel, all riding a motorcyle crashed through the glass doors barreling at full speed towards the three gunman (and Sam.) Me, Eli, and Sam made our reflex saves and safely dismounted and avoided the crash, ready to fight. The three gunman (and Brad) were quickly squashed by the tumbling, internal-cumbustion juggernaut.

This is mean spirited but could be alittle funny for those who dont know what the hell im talking about

K so im playing StarCraft again(as i said i play rp on it). I got caught in the wrong group though. Not only were there guys who were insane there were a few guys that just took nerd/geek to a whole new lvl. First thing you should know about my game prefrence its open RP not Turnbased or anything like that, Which means i can do what ever i want despense the consequences(Though i do keep it all fair unless its the ending ) So heres the jist.

Purple(Me) - prison holding worlds most notorious outlaws of the kingdom(yeh its fantasy again me scifi geek) my main is a prisoner who killed an entire group of knights in a short amount of time.
Green - goblins
White(host) - some werewolf. 1/4 human so it had a human form.
Red - castle/dragons. die hard DnD guy from how i take it. He was the original one that said we should play turnbased, which in starcraft is stupid seeing how its and RTS(this is so we can have huge fights with no limits).
Blue - for some reason while waiting for the game to start we all mention something about gay people and he decides he will be a gay bike gang(This got him booted from game but we all said it was because he upgraded) * those who dont know upgrading enhances characters stats. when one person does it the game is unbalanced.
Tan - like me except he got booted for something trivail

So blues doing his stupid stuff and ups his characters two spots, and gets booted, for me i would just say ok and let it rest there but then there was other stuff going down. Tan creates 5 really powerful beasts something like "Beast of Lore (L)" L stands for legendary class. White gets pissed at this, not even giving him a chance, and boots his ass out. Then we start to finish our bases. White and I do BRB (u know) and race to see who gets back first, i win. Then white mentions how he left his lawn mower on in his backyard. Then i remember that when i mowed this afternoon that i left the mower out. Green had too so we raced to see who could put it away faster. He won.

SO on to the actual game. Green creates evil lair, White creates a prison for himself that is made to be destroyed so his main can be freed from jail. This is exactly the same idea i had thought he stole it but I dont have authority here, if i said something i would have been banned from the game. White runs to red and helps defend against green. At this time i have been waiting about 45 minutes for someone to rescue my character.

Green attacks Red once every three days, a day = 1min. I am still up there so i create a ghost character to tell these assholes to save me so i can do some shit. Green helps me pass the time by sending a single goblin up there for me to play with(ie hunt and kill ) So red tells me i should do an intro for my character, which i do quickly because i have to get sleep for exams. While im doing this their fighting each other in Turnbased attacks, which involves White bringing out a giant scarab tank as a magic attack. Killing about 10 goblins.

I still have a ghost character floating around watching the fight and then i pester red to release me. He says that i didnt even intro my self so why should he release me. I got so fning pissed that I told him I did mine alrdy. He says it wasnt at a good time. WTF he was the one who told me to do a bloody intro in the first place I would have been satisfied if they had just went in to the prison and asked the guards if they could talk to my main but no one thinks that do they, its all guns blazing and such.

Moral of the story. Dont do Fantasy RPs in Starcraft not only is it stupid to play a fantasy in a scifi based game. But in fantasy games if your too far away from the action people forget about you. In scifi on the other hand you have space ships that fly around.

Sub moral. Dont do drugs.

*casts Raise Thread*

Hey all, new to the forums and wanted to share a few of the many stories form my gaming experience:

We had a halfling rogue in our party, played to all the kleptomania cliches. This was shortly after 3.5 came out and Dwarves no longer had movement penalties for encumbrance. I was playing a pretty smart Dwarven fighter (Int 13) so once the party got fed up with being kicked out of places because the halfling was stealing the silverware, my fighter grappled the rogue and, with the help of the monk who had Use Rope maxed out, we stuffed him into an empty backpack and tied it shut with only his head left outside. The halfling hadn't put any ranks into escape artist so he was stuck there. From then on that dwarf carried "A halfling in a sack" as part of his equipment list.

In another game, I had a halfling Conjurer that had found a wand of magic missile. The party was resting after a hard day of combat and my spells had yet to replenish when we were attacked in the middle of the night by two man-eating lions. The DM described them as the lions from the movie "The Ghost and the Darkness." Our front-rank people all ganged up on the one the DM had called "The Ghost" while our rogue was attacking the other one. He obviously needed help and I was last to go in initiative order. With my only real recourse being my wand, I couldn't resist and told the DM, "I cast magic missile on The Darkness." Of course, my terrible geek reference earned me the ire of a rather large lion but it was totally worth it.

As a DM, I find being a jackass to my players is a most enjoyable experience. For example, I left a greataxe drop with a frost embedded in it. I don't know what the official name is called, but I needed to set the name needed to be said to add 1d6 of additional frost damage.

I decide "Snizzle". Now whenever that player wants to do damage, he has to yell out "Snizzle".

A few days ago, my party and I were fighting [not making this up] Further Upgraded Ghast-Liches, aka FUGLies. One of the quirks about these undead is that they did not have Auto-Zombie [we're playing the 3rd edition of the Final Fantasy RPG, even though it's only recently gone beta]. I had the bright idea of using a Zombie Powder [has a chance to inflict Zombie on a single target] so we could open up a recovery-item can of whoop-ass. My GM fortunately let me do something else instead, but I got a Key Point for the thought.

Its tabula Rasa, A Captian is being charged with killing her father, I am on the prosecution. The GM of this was the person being charged of the crime so you know whats going to happen. SO Im with the leader of the prosecution and he sends me to do all this shit(Im the only one who fucking did anything for the prosecution) So in comes court time, the Night stalkers are defense, the hell hounds are prosecution. First some Nightstalkers get pissed because the person that is playing the judge is a Hellhound and start talking about starting a fight to try and save their captain. THis leads to the captain yelling at her clan during the Court hearing(alot of Yelling).

At one point a person had to take the job as a neutral judge so they had to give up their male nurse character up to someone else, sadly that person thought the nurse was a woman so they created a woman toon. The person was so out of practice that they had to retract five things they said that were suppose to help the defense, that instead made the entire court case lean towards the prosecution side.

At one point the lead of the prosecution's computer crashed causing his toon to disappear. I yelled out:
"OMG HE'S A WITCH!!!!"
Man good times.

As someone who's never in his life played an RPG or whatever it is, this thread has been a brilliant source of amusement haha.

I'm also a bit scared by the fact that I get most of what's being talked about. Definitely reading too many geek comics...

*My apologies for the huge buildup for a joke that was a lot funnier in person.

Playing in a DnD campaign that started out horribly, horribly wrong: One of our players, a warlock, started his own drug and whore trade in one of the largest cities in our campaign. Through the pimp-slapping of ho's, the skinning of orphans, and other general villainies, he became the cities largest drug czar. The drug he was peddling was a root known for it's calming euphoric high, but it also had another effect on spell-casters: it was a psychotropic hallucinogen. It caused casters to think they were casting spells way beyond their means, when it really weakened them. The player playing the warlock then had his alchemists refine the drug to a more pure, addictive state so as to make more money.

My character was a warmage working for the local mage's council who has been charged with finding and removing all traces of the drug from the city, which inevitably brought me to the warlock PC. He's tried everything to get away including spiking my drinks with the drug and using drugged darts to get me addicted, but eventually the time for our big meeting comes. He has made his way to a secluded warehouse that's been guarded by his men. After taking out a few of his guards, I rush the door and find him waiting for me. There we are, more-or-less face-to-face for the first time. I have no idea he's a warlock, or that he has another guard waiting behind the door I just crashed through. He raises his hands to use his warlock Eldritch Blast ability on me and rolls a natural 1 on the die, completely missing me. Suddenly, the guard that was about to attack me slumps over dead after being hit by the blast intended for me. The warlock PC, as quick as if he'd planned it, says "As you can see, I'm not entirely defenseless."

I'm GMing a SW campaign, set in the Clone Wars. I've got two groups, a group of Seps, and a group of unaligned (beat the crap out of everyone). The unaligned were working with the Seps for money on this one, and raid one of the Clone Barracks. I have to come up with one for them to raid, so I pick Arca Barracks.

Home of the infamous Null ARC troopers, plus Delta Squad and Omega Squad. All of whom are home.

I have fifteen NPCs versus the thirty or so PCs, plus their cronies, which made about ninety opponents.

Pull a minigun out for Corr, cip-quad for Mereel. We quit rolling for damage once I pointed out that these were anti-tank weapons, and the heaviest armored one was in stolen clone armor (I forget the actual numbers, but it didn't help).

My other fun story is my WoW guild getting together for a game of D&D. We were the "PYROMANIAC" guild on our server before we disbanded. I think every single person found a way to make an explosion in that single session.

A recent 7th Sea campaign has me in the role of a wonderful scamp. At the GM's suggestion, my backstory includes a noble angry with me over a minor misunderstanding. When I leapt from his wife's bedroom window without my trousers, he was under the impression that the lass had some virtue I'd absconsed with. Thus, the GM could spice up any dull, directionless moment with a man attempting to claim the price on my head. No, not that head... THAT head.

So, I ham up the obvious running gag. My introduction involves running past the more heroic PC screaming about the nordic giant after my peas and carrot. I'm clearly not helping things as I keep ducking behind one more merchant's stall to cry out for the townspeople to help protect me from the very large man who will not rest until his hands are on my wedding tackle.

And I finished out the evening with a good quip. We'd booked passage with the most honorable pirate we could find... it was a freeport, and there weren't a lot of options. We needed to keep the princess safe until her wedding some distance and months hence, and assassins had already found her there. The captain of the vessel, not being an idiot, seeing a scoundrel, a masked man, and a noblewoman booking passage for a ship leaving immediately... knows we're running from something. And she presses the point after we're away.

So I say to the statuesque norsewoman, "It is true. I confess it, milady. I am the man... with the three-hundred guilder schlong."


Still need to come up with a few more choice jests before the campaign ends. "It's been priced by an expert among nobility!" And if the GM comes up with a female bounty hunter? "Sought by men and women of quality from many a nation!" "Would you care to see if it's truly worth the price?"

in a DnD zombie campaign i attacked a zombie using a crowbar as an improvised weapon.

rolled a 20, rolled another 20, got a critical.

"Your crowbar embeds itself in the base of the zombies skull. as you move to pull it out the head detaches from the spine and is flung against the stone wall, splattering it across the room. The body falls to the ground and twitches for moments before going silent."

best death ever.

the other players were in complete shock, i was too. i remember our barbian was like "That was some serious gordon freeman shit."

My Favorite one was while playing Shadowrun.

DM:In the distance, you hear the whir of a minigun warming up.
Teammate:I stand and taunt the Minigun user.
DM:He takes aim at you.
Teammate rolls to dodge and misses.
DM: The minigun tears through you like hot knives through butter.
Me:I pick up the corpse and sling it at the Minigun user.
DM:Roll for throw accuracy.

*20*
*DM rolls a 3 for dodge*
DM:Roll for damage

*20*
DM: Wow... Roll for Crit......
*20*

DM: Well... Damn... That sucks...... The body of your deceased teammate flies through the air, knocking the minigun to the side. As the gun turns, he pushes the trigger, shooting into the body's skull. The skull explodes from the force, sending bone shrapnel straight into his eye and into his brain.

Me: Shit.... I gotta go Raid a morgue for bodies...

Funny anecdote, but what retarded form of Shadowrun are you playing with critical hits and (apparently) d20s?

Both experience happened with my favorite character, my kender "thief". So me, a fighter, wizard, and cleric were captured on a minotaur galley, and the while the cleric is trying to negotiate our release I ended up saying "moo" at the exact same moment the minotaurs agreed to release us and all went quiet. Needless to say, the deal was altered a bit.
Same character when we were venturing in the Icereach. Beforehand I forgot my favorite warm red cape and made sure the whole party knew how much I missed it. Every 10 minutes he'd wish he had it. So we pretty much get stranded on this one island with an irate white dragon. We finally kill the dragon and as they are going through it's treasure I say the trademark "I wish I had my warm red cape." And suddenly I'm wearing it. Turns out there was a ring that would grant one wish. Later on we find out there was no way off the island. We ask the DM about this. His answer "Well I was sort of hoping you'd use the ring"