Hmmm, this is exceedingly odd. I cast "locate tavern" and I was directed here.

Anyway, I'm another new guy. This is my requisite first post. Bite away. And if anyone has a flask, I'm still looking for that drink.

I suppose I should at least attempt to make some valuable contribution:

------------------ Pun Ahead. You have been warned ------------------

Prison Work

Several years ago, Andy was sentenced to prison. During his stay, he got along well with the guards and all his fellow inmates. The warden saw that deep down, Andy was a good person and made arrangements for Andy to learn a trade while doing his time. After 3 years, Andy was recognized as one of the best carpenters in the local area. Often he would be given a weekend pass to do odd jobs for the citizens of the community and he always reported back to prison before Sunday night was over.

The warden was thinking of remodeling his kitchen and in fact had done much of the work himself. But he lacked the skills to build a set of kitchen cupboards and a large counter top which he had promised his wife. So he called Andy into his office and asked him to complete the job for him. But, alas, Andy refused. He told the warden,

wait for it....

Gosh, I'd really like to help you but counter-fitting is what got me into prison in the first place.


Cheers!

BOO!
Did that cure your hiccups?

Thanks [hic] for the attempt, but these aren't your [hic] garden variety of hiccups. They're like the ones [hic] you get when you're eating Chinese food [hic] and eat a "hidden" chili pepper [hic]. It takes some special magic to get rid of those.

Holy cow [hic], my head's going to 'splode.

YOu need to swallow a huge mouthful of noodles. That cures hiccups, even though it does hurt like hell...


Well, it doesn't always work.


Try it anyway.

I suggest vodka for the hiccups.

Welcome, though I suggest you change your avatar, the limit is 100x100 pixels, but sometimes its angsty with you.

I was going to ask about that.

Welcome, anyway.

Salve! Oh, and Viva la Puns!

You know, I wood contribute to your punnage but I'm just not cut out for it. Of course, that may not be true so I'll let a panel of judges decide. Hopefully I won't get the ax.

Thank you, all, for the warm welcome. I didn't have any noodles nor vodka handy, but I did have some gin. Didn't help the hiccups, but after a few tries, it really didn't matter anymore.

And thanks for pointing out my unforgivable error with the avatar. My good buddy Clemens didn't like being squished into an even smaller box, but I don't think he'll be complaining any time soon.

Hello my friends.

I've been one poor correspondant,
I've too, too hard to find,
but it doesn't mean you ain't been on my mind.
-America

I wonder if it is rude to necro your own GaTKeY thread? I missed this place. I hope you all have been well.

I am reminded of a parapsychologist who was studying a house that had a history of ghostly activity for a period of about three months. He spent the majority of each night photographing strange phenomena trying to gather evidence of the supernatural. One night he was actually approached by an appiration. Initially apprehensive, the ghost approached the doctor and hovered for a moment. The doctor snapped a picture. Then another. And another. It seemed as if the ghost was posing for him. This went on for about an hour and he was able to gather about 35 solid shots. In one, the ghost even did a Heisman pose... he wanted to be photographed! Excited about the fact that he had just made the discovery of the century, he returned to his lab to develop his photos. Much to his dismay each one was pitch black. He had let the batteries run far too low. The lesson?


The spirit was willing, but the flash was weak.

Awful. Simply awful.

I offer only the very worst.

You come back.
I fall in love again.
You leave.
You break my heart.
You come back.
I fall in love again.
You leave.
You break my heart.

And now you're back. My therapist is going to love this.

But I'm worth it every time. Even she knows that.

From his house in Chicago, aml calls at five am,
To tell me how he's tired of all of them.
He says, "Rorsy, I've been thinkin' 'bout a trailer by the sea.
We could go to Mexico - you, the cat, and me.
We'll drink Tequila, and look for seashells, now doesn't that sound sweet?"
Oh aml, you always do this, everytime I get back on my feet.

Oh aml, paint your pictures 'bout how it's gonna be.
By now I should know better - your dreams are never free.
But tell me all about our little trailer by the sea.
Oh aml, you can always sell any dream to me.
Oh aml, you can always sell any dream to me.

It brings a tear to the eye, that does.