QUIT GETTING IN MY PERSONAL SPACE! BACK UP, WE AREN'T ON A DATE!
Dear Sev: Please refrain from making jokes about Eastern Kentucky.
Dear Graham: If you want to be really
red-ass, stop drinking and go to class every once in a while. I don't care how much you polish your brass; all will be for naught if you fail out of school.
Dear Buzz: I promise to stop making fun of your name if you give me a raise.
Dear Mister Daniels: We've been good friends for a long time, and I'm sorry we've been out of touch for so long. I'll be seeing you soon.
Dear Cpl. Zebulon Pike: To quote Paul Southworth, "I'll end your means."
Dear Joanna: I don't believe we've met. Do you like John Wayne movies?
Dear Dr. Ruth: Is that a good pickup line?
Dear Mr. Limbaugh: If you didn't have so many double standards, I might not have set your house on fire.
Dear FBI: I know you're reading this, so just to be clear, I did not set fire to Rush Limbaugh's house. My letter bomb was sent to the wrong house.
Dear TheDuke: I'm sorry your birthday gift hasn't arrived yet. Some sort of foul-up in shipping.
Edit: Dear Princess Lorien: Do you like John Wayne movies?