I've solved Americas energy problem!

[Who Cares]

I got this from bored.com. It's how to get electricity from hamsters. And we know we have enough vermin in the world.

1. Stick copper and zinc electrode-needles in opposite ends of
hamster. Use in series for higher voltage.

2. Shove them back and forth in Richard Gere's butt. Creates
static electricity.

3. Go to Radio Shack and offer them the hamster in exchange for
two AAA batteries.

4. Attach the hamster to a hand-crank generator and then drop it
onto a trampoline.

5. Ignite in large numbers. Use heat released to drive steam
turbine.

6. Kidnap and threaten to torture. Extort ransom from
animal-rights activists and other anti-cruelty types: demand
payment in the form of electric current.

7. Drop hamsters from great heights. Use water-mill like turbine
to generate electricity.

8. Drop large numbers of hamsters into tar pit, wait a few
million years, drill for crude oil at same location to run
electric turbine.

9. Cold Fusion -> Steam Turbine. No explanation necessary.

10. Any form of neutron capture / beta emission.

11. Convince hamsters they're really lemmings. Show cliff to
hamsters. Install turbine halfway down cliff.

12. Densely pack hamsters into flywheel shape. Spin rapidly.
Attach generator.

13. Put hamster on electricity-generating treadmill. Feed back
small portion of generated electricity into hamster brain
pleasure center. Watch him generate his little heart out!

14. Seal large quantity of hamsters in air tight holding tanks.
Add water. Allow suitable time to pass for decomposition. Collect
methane gas resulting. Put gas in fuel cells.

15. Smush mucho hamsters in a trough, use the drippings/blood to
run a waterwheel for hydroelectric power.

16. Give hamsters lots of shitty beer. Use piss and vomit to run
hydroelectric generator.

17. Skin hamster. Melt animal fat into tallow and then form
candles. Heat steam turbine.

18. Switch hamsters for P6 chips coming off Intel assembly lines.
Saved electricity will be enormous. Cover performance loss by
releasing new version of Windows NT at the same time.

19. Build glass room. Put hamsters inside. Put cocaine inside.
Ground the floor and attach negative leads to the ceiling.

20. Have hamster steal one of kube's magic cards. Leech power
from resulting nuclear strike.

21. Teach hamsters to play blackjack. Once they're at the
competitive level, convince Las Vegas hotel owners to convert to
serving hamsters. Saved electricity from smaller lights, hotels,
etc.

22. Accumulate enough hamsters that the self-gravitational force
causes the mass to shrink and heat up. Use thermocouples to
generate energy.

23. Raid PG&E corporate headquarters. Threaten to drop hamster
down CEO's pants unless he gives you a power plant.

24. Get several dozen hamsters. Shoot them up with crystal meth.
Attach dog sled.

25. (This is, undoubtedly, the way to get the most power from
them) Combine the hamster with an equal mass of antimatter -- a
anti-hamster if you will. Then harness the massive energy release
for power....

26. Have the Emperor warp and twist a hamster clone into an evil
Anti-Hamster, Darth Hamster. This should be good for 4-6 sequels.
Install tension to electricity converters into theatre.

27. a. Find a good genetic engineer. b. Splice appropriate genes
from electric eels into hamsters, because they're smaller and
cuter and, well, hamsters. c. Feed the hamsters. d. Surgically
install appropriate electrodes. e. Periodically drain off the
voltage. Unfortunately, this only gets you DC current.

P.S. How could I have been so blind? Splice in genes from
blue-green algae as well, and you wouldn't even have to feed the
hamsters! (Well, maybe some phosphorous and iron and stuff)

28. Mail the electric company a dead hamster every day until they
give you power for free.

29. Crossbreed hamster with Mothra and use resulting giant mutant
lightning-breathing hamster as power source.

30. Give the hamster to Scotty, he'll find some way to yield 20%
more power from the dilithium crystals.

31. Take thousands of hamsters into orbit -- when the orbit
decays, they will heat up the atmosphere. With enough hamsters,
you could raise the planets temperature as much as you want.

32. Pull the hamster out of root@soda's ass. Then when they turn
red & embarrassed, use the heat from their red face to drive a
Car engine.

33. Amass enormous quantities of hamsters until it reaches enough
mass to begin hamsterfusion in the core. Use solar cells to
convert radiation to electricity.

34. Throw in more hamsters to 33 (above) until the hamsterstar
goes supernova... you couldn't want any more energy than that...

35. Repeat 34 with another mass of hamsters... spin the resulting
neutron-hamsters around each other in a binary orbit... use
gravity waves to rotate hydro-turbine.

36. Take five or six hits of acid. Tell yourself very firmly that
hamsters _are_ electricity. (Well, they've got lots of electrons
in them, yes?) Acquire hamsters however you choose;
"operationally", you've now got electricity. (I say "five or six
hits", because I find that things which were perfectly clear to
me after _one_ hit, e.g., that the word "Krups" is actually an
onomatopoeic piece of German slang for an unprintable Viennese
practice, make absolutely no sense afterwards; and Leary used to
take five hits or so. QED.)

37. Give them little magnetic collars, and run them through a
maze of coiled wires.

38. Reduce hamster to their component atoms. Compress the
resulting plasma until it fuses. Transfer the released energy
via heat/engine or energy conversion scheme of your choice.

39. Take two hamsters, run one through a Klein bottle to convert
it to anti-matter. Combine the first hamster with the
anti-hamster. Harness the resultant massive burst of energy as
per #38 above.

40. Drop hamster into black hole. Use photovoltaics to release
the radiated energy.

41. It is a well-known result of quantum field theory that all
fields are symmetric under the combined action of time-reversal,
charge- conjugation and parity-inversion operators: the familiar
TCP symmetry. It is trivial to show that time reversal and charge
conjugation both take fermions into their anti-particles. Use
this to show that plucking hamsters from mirrors will produce
beaucoup electromagnetic radiation. (Hint: Do you need to pull
the hamsters out of the mirror going backwards in time?) Ref: J.
J. Sakurai, Adv. Quan. Mech.

42. Put female hamster scent on glass rod. Release male hamster.
He will try to rub his furry coat against glass rod. Drawback:
only creates static electricity.

[Imperator Severn]

Or we could just pollute and screw the later generations. What can they do to us? By the time the planet hits the crapper, we'll all be dead. We can't lose!

[Who Cares]

That's only pollution though. We still need electricity for the here and now.

[Imperator Severn]

We have plenty of electricity in Texas, which we'll gladly sell to ye fer... $100,000 a watt.

Our state motto is friendship, not fairness. Evil bastards are we.

[Who Cares]

Oh well. I can always find a way to harness the power of the nukes tested in Nevada for my own use.

[Imperator Severn]

Are they still doing underground tests? I thought they didn't anymore. Hmm.

We nuke worthless desert, the French nuke their Pacific Islands. Go figure.

[Who Cares]

Yeah. Waste of a Million dollar making vacation spot.

[Imperator Severn]

We COULD always nuke the french. And the french army is easier to spot and pick off- they all have their arms raised.

[Who Cares]

Ever since the comic about the French I've made fun of their tendency to give up whenever I can.

[Imperator Severn]

I've always made fun of the french. Rotten bastids. They must be eaten.

[Who Cares]

French eat snails. We eat French... and French FRIES.

[Imperator Severn]

Little strips of frog, fried in lard.

American food, I reckin.

[Who Cares]

Mmmmmmm! Makin me hungry just thinkin about it. Isn't it strange? We went from Hamster energy, to nuke testing, to french islands, to rotten French people, to food, all in less than 40 minutes.

[hinch1]

We could make a machine that converts your stupid into energy and power the entire Earth!

[HK Limit Breaker]

Imagine how much energy most of us would be producing!