Yesterday, a random girl came up to me and asked for The REAL Story Behind The Birds and the Bees, and when I told her I didn't know it, she asked who the "they" were in "as they say". It was completely random and hilarious.
And then today, I met Dr. Timothy O'Boyle, Professor of Sociology.
Some highlights from today's class:
"So, I sit on my ass and lecture. I do not walk up and down rows. I have never held a piece of chalk or so much as written my name on the board. I sit on my ass. Deal with it. You're sitting on your asses, too."
"Yes, I curse. I try to tone it down for class, but it still happens. If you heard me outside of class, your ears would bleed."
"I have no attendance policy. You paid to come here, it's your choice whether or not to waste your money. Those professors who DO have an attendance policy? That's only because they suck and they can't teach. No, seriously. I at least TRY to be interesting so you can have incentive to come."
"Some information about me: I fucking SUCKED at high school. My senior year I missed 100 days - no, I'm not kidding. I'd get high in the parking lot, or go in after the attendance was taken so I could do whatever I wanted - and I wanted to eat lunch. There were like 40 days in the year where I had 4 lunches in a row and then went home. And, yes, I graduated with a 2.08 GPA."
"So when I was 17 I got a girl pregnant, and I did The Right Thing and married her. And then I worked. That sucked. I worked at Bethlehem Steel before they went bankrupt, and then I was laid off because of their bankruptcy. So then I went to work for MACK trucks, before THEY went bankrupt. That's 2 for 2. Give it a few years before this fine institution decides THEY want to file for bankruptcy too."
"So, at MACK trucks, I had a job with a crane. It was fun and dangerous and MANLY. Hell yes. So one day, my partner at the job decided to give the crane a running start and see how far it would go, because he was a fucking moron. So he pushed it and it was heading for two people with their backs turned and they would die if the crane wasn't stopped, so I decided to stop it. I saved their lives and the thanks I get? An injured neck, back, and entire fucking body. I was bedridden for 6 years, taking 6 percocet and 2 other major painkillers a day, prescribed by my doctor. I had migraines for months on end that would leave me blind from pain. So that's two 'don't try this at home' warnings I have for you - don't knock anybody up when you're 17, and don't try to save a person's life by stopping a fucking crane. You will lose to the crane."
"LADIES - party your ass off here. Actually, that goes for the men, too. But I had a point to this...anyway, LADIES. PARTY YOUR ASS OFF, but be safe. Watch your drink, don't accept drinks from anyone. MEN - don't slip anything in any girl's drink! There are other ways to get laid! And seriously, if you cannot get laid at a fucking university, resign yourself to a life of celibacy and join the fucking priesthood. And if you think you have to drug a girl so she passes out - USE YOUR FUCKING HAND. Fucking a corpse is boring. Find something else to do."
...This is going to be a fun semester.
Wicked. I just read this too my boyfriend and he found it awesome as well!
