If this has been done before, merge it. If not, post yer jokes!
A team of archaeologists were excavating in Israel when they came upon a cave. Written across the wall of the cave were the following symbols:
<Woman> <Donkey> <Shovel> <Fish> <Star of David>
It was considered a unique find and the writings were said to be at least 3000 years old! The piece of stone was removed, brought to the museum, and archaeologists from around the world came to study the ancient symbols.
They held a huge meeting after three months of conferences to discuss the meanings of the markings. The president of the society pointed at the first drawing and said "This looks like a woman. We can judge that it was family oriented and held women in high esteem. You can also tell that they were intelligent, as the next symbol resembles a donkey, so they were smart enough to have animals help them till the soil. The next drawing looks like a shovel of some sort, which means they even had tools to help them.
"Even further proof of their high intelligence is the fish, which means that if a famine had hit the earth, whereby the food did not grow, they would take to the sea for food. The last symbol appears to be the Star of David, which means they were evidently Hebrews."
The audience applauded enthusiastically, but a little old man stood up at the back of the room and said "Idiots! Hebrew is read from right to left! It says 'Holy Mackeral, dig the ass on that woman'!"
---
A bus stops and two italians get on. They sit down and engage in animated conversation. The lady sitting behind them ignores them at first, but her attention is galvanised when she hears one of the men say the following:
"Emma come first. Den I come. Den two asses get together. I come once-a-more. Two asses, they come together again. I come again and pee twice. Then I come one lasta time."
"You foul-mouthed swine!" retorted the lady indignantly. "In this country we don't talk about our sex lives in public!"
"Hey, coola down lady," said the man. "Who talkin' about sexa? I'm a justa tellin' my friends how to spella 'Mississippi'!"
Random Jokes thread.
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Jedi_Vader20
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Random Jokes thread.
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Rorschach
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Presenting for your entertainment:
The sickest joke I know
(Those with delicate sensiblities please don't read, I don't want the flaming)
A man is out jogging on the cliffs one day when he comes across a very young girl sitting on the precipice and crying her little eyes out.
"What's the matter?" he asks
The girl points a finger to the burning car at the bottom of the cliff
"Mummy...Daddy...dead!" she sobs
"Well", says the man sliding down his tracksuit trousers, "This really ISN'T your day is it?"
The sickest joke I know
(Those with delicate sensiblities please don't read, I don't want the flaming)
A man is out jogging on the cliffs one day when he comes across a very young girl sitting on the precipice and crying her little eyes out.
"What's the matter?" he asks
The girl points a finger to the burning car at the bottom of the cliff
"Mummy...Daddy...dead!" she sobs
"Well", says the man sliding down his tracksuit trousers, "This really ISN'T your day is it?"
To Let
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Jedi_Vader20
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Not good.
A young man wished to buy a pair of gloves for his sweetheart's birthday. So he went to an expensive boutique, bought the finest gloves available and asked the saleswoman to have them delivered with a note. While wrapping the gloves, a clerk accidentally mixed up the order and sent a pair of panties instead. Here's the note the young man wrote to his sweetheart.
Darling,
I choese these because I noticed you are not in the habit of wearing any when we go out in the evening. I would have chosen the long ones with the buttons, but because your sister wears the ones that are so easy to remove I decided to get the same style for you.
Although these are a delicate shade, the lady I bought them from showed me a pair that she has been wearing for three weeks, and they were hardly soiled. I had the salesgirl try them on for me and she really looked smart.
I wish I could be there to put them on for you for the first time. No doubt, many other hands will touch them before I see you again.
When you take them off, remember to blow in them before putting them away as they will naturally be a little damp from wearing. And be sure to keep them on while cleaning them so they won't shrink.
Just think how many times I will kiss them in the coming year! I hope you like them and will wear them for me on Friday night.
All my love,
P.S. The latest style is to wear them folded down with a little fur showing.
A young man wished to buy a pair of gloves for his sweetheart's birthday. So he went to an expensive boutique, bought the finest gloves available and asked the saleswoman to have them delivered with a note. While wrapping the gloves, a clerk accidentally mixed up the order and sent a pair of panties instead. Here's the note the young man wrote to his sweetheart.
Darling,
I choese these because I noticed you are not in the habit of wearing any when we go out in the evening. I would have chosen the long ones with the buttons, but because your sister wears the ones that are so easy to remove I decided to get the same style for you.
Although these are a delicate shade, the lady I bought them from showed me a pair that she has been wearing for three weeks, and they were hardly soiled. I had the salesgirl try them on for me and she really looked smart.
I wish I could be there to put them on for you for the first time. No doubt, many other hands will touch them before I see you again.
When you take them off, remember to blow in them before putting them away as they will naturally be a little damp from wearing. And be sure to keep them on while cleaning them so they won't shrink.
Just think how many times I will kiss them in the coming year! I hope you like them and will wear them for me on Friday night.
All my love,
P.S. The latest style is to wear them folded down with a little fur showing.
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Jedi_Vader20
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hell_monkey5623
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Jedi_Vader20
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A man and a woman are having sex when the woman's husband walks through the front door.
The woman ushers the man into the closet, gets dressed, and goes to meet her husband.
The man looks down, and sees a little boy in the closet next to him.
"Gee, it's dark in here," says the boy.
"Yeah, hey, did you see what me and your mother were doing?" asks the man.
"Yeah, I got a baseball here. Gimme $100 for it and I won't tell Dad," says the boy.
"What a ripoff! I won't pay that!" says the man.
"Fine, I'll just go get my dad," says the boy.
"OK, OK!" says the man, and forks over the $100.
Next week, and the same thing happens again, and the man finds himself in the closet with the boy yet again.
"Gee, it's dark in here," says the boy.
"Oh god, not again. What is it this time?" says the man.
"I got a glove to go with that baseball. $150," says the boy.
The man cringes, and hands over the cash.
Next day, the husband notices that his prized baseball and glove are missing, and finds out that the son sold them.
"You go to church, and confess your sins!" says the husband.
The child goes to church, and sits in the confessional.
"Gee, it's dark in here..." says the boy.
"NO! You won't do this to me again!" yells the priest, and runs from the church.
---
The space shuttle Columbia walks into a bar, teary-eyed, sits down, and orders a beer.
"What's wrong?" asks the bartender.
"I broke up with my crew," sobs the Columbia.
...
Hehe, "Driving me nuts".... good one
And we could start with the baby jokes, but....
The woman ushers the man into the closet, gets dressed, and goes to meet her husband.
The man looks down, and sees a little boy in the closet next to him.
"Gee, it's dark in here," says the boy.
"Yeah, hey, did you see what me and your mother were doing?" asks the man.
"Yeah, I got a baseball here. Gimme $100 for it and I won't tell Dad," says the boy.
"What a ripoff! I won't pay that!" says the man.
"Fine, I'll just go get my dad," says the boy.
"OK, OK!" says the man, and forks over the $100.
Next week, and the same thing happens again, and the man finds himself in the closet with the boy yet again.
"Gee, it's dark in here," says the boy.
"Oh god, not again. What is it this time?" says the man.
"I got a glove to go with that baseball. $150," says the boy.
The man cringes, and hands over the cash.
Next day, the husband notices that his prized baseball and glove are missing, and finds out that the son sold them.
"You go to church, and confess your sins!" says the husband.
The child goes to church, and sits in the confessional.
"Gee, it's dark in here..." says the boy.
"NO! You won't do this to me again!" yells the priest, and runs from the church.
---
The space shuttle Columbia walks into a bar, teary-eyed, sits down, and orders a beer.
"What's wrong?" asks the bartender.
"I broke up with my crew," sobs the Columbia.
...
Hehe, "Driving me nuts".... good one
And we could start with the baby jokes, but....
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Jedi_Vader20
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...and my collection of really good jokes has dried up...
Time for the baby jokes
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What is blue, organge and lays on the bottom of the pool?
A baby with slashed floaties.
What is blue, orange, red and floats at the top of the pool?
Floaties with a slashed baby.
What's the difference between a truckload of sand and a truckload of babies?
You can't shift a truckload of sand with a pitchfork.
Time for the baby jokes
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What is blue, organge and lays on the bottom of the pool?
A baby with slashed floaties.
What is blue, orange, red and floats at the top of the pool?
Floaties with a slashed baby.
What's the difference between a truckload of sand and a truckload of babies?
You can't shift a truckload of sand with a pitchfork.
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Re: Random Jokes thread.
This man and the women are about to have a baby. But the doctor comes up the two and said, "Well, I invented a new device that gives some of the pain of child birth towards the husband. Would you like to try this out?"
The woman screamed out, yes while the husband agreed to have the pain transfered to him. The doctor connects the device to the husband and the wife and turns it on, but the husband feels nothing.
"huh, nothings happening." said the husband.
So the doctor cranked up the pain level higher but the husband still felt nothing.
"Are you sure that thing works?" said the husband.
"I'm sure it does, we've tested it numerous times," said the doctor compelety baffaled.
So he cranked up the device to the highest level and still nothing happened.
"bah, I bet all this child birth pain thing is compelety over-rated." said the husband.
So finally they had the baby and went back home, but only to find their mail-man dead on their doorstep.
The woman screamed out, yes while the husband agreed to have the pain transfered to him. The doctor connects the device to the husband and the wife and turns it on, but the husband feels nothing.
"huh, nothings happening." said the husband.
So the doctor cranked up the pain level higher but the husband still felt nothing.
"Are you sure that thing works?" said the husband.
"I'm sure it does, we've tested it numerous times," said the doctor compelety baffaled.
So he cranked up the device to the highest level and still nothing happened.
"bah, I bet all this child birth pain thing is compelety over-rated." said the husband.
So finally they had the baby and went back home, but only to find their mail-man dead on their doorstep.
It's easy to be miserable. Being happier is tougher- and cooler
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hell_monkey5623
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Re: Random Jokes thread.
Two old ladies are sitting on a park bench, smoking thier cigarettes. Suddenly, it begins to rain. One of the old ladies takes out a condom, and puts it over the cigarette.
Old Lady 1:"Why are you doing that?"
Old Lady 2:"So the cigarette won't get wet."
Old Lady 1:"Where did you get the condom?"
Old Lady 2:"You can get it at any pharmacy."
So the next day, Old Lady 1 goes to a pharmacy, and asks for a pack of condoms. The pharmacist, looking quite suprised due to her age, asks which brand she prefers.
Old Lady 1:"Oh, it doesn't matter. As long as it can fit a Camel."
The pharmacist fainted.
Old Lady 1:"Why are you doing that?"
Old Lady 2:"So the cigarette won't get wet."
Old Lady 1:"Where did you get the condom?"
Old Lady 2:"You can get it at any pharmacy."
So the next day, Old Lady 1 goes to a pharmacy, and asks for a pack of condoms. The pharmacist, looking quite suprised due to her age, asks which brand she prefers.
Old Lady 1:"Oh, it doesn't matter. As long as it can fit a Camel."
The pharmacist fainted.
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Myx
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What do you call an armless legless man hanging on a wall? Art.
What do you call an armless legless man laying on a doorstep? Matt.
What do you call an armless legless man in a pool? Bob.
What do you call an armless legless man in a bull ring? Gord.
What's the difference between a dead baby, and a head of cabbage?
I don't have a head of cabbage in my fridge.
The annual Chess Championship Match was held at a local hotel. The audience became excruciatingly bored as the games continued for what seemed like forever. The audience began to discuss their own ability to play the game.
Soon they were bragging that their abilities were much better than the contestants', and they became extremely rowdy. The manager had to be called in to stop the scene from erupting into violence.
The manager entered the room and surveyed the scene. In a loud voice with a refined British accent, firmly he stated, "I will not tolerate chess nuts boasting in an open foyer!"
What do you call an armless legless man laying on a doorstep? Matt.
What do you call an armless legless man in a pool? Bob.
What do you call an armless legless man in a bull ring? Gord.
What's the difference between a dead baby, and a head of cabbage?
I don't have a head of cabbage in my fridge.
The annual Chess Championship Match was held at a local hotel. The audience became excruciatingly bored as the games continued for what seemed like forever. The audience began to discuss their own ability to play the game.
Soon they were bragging that their abilities were much better than the contestants', and they became extremely rowdy. The manager had to be called in to stop the scene from erupting into violence.
The manager entered the room and surveyed the scene. In a loud voice with a refined British accent, firmly he stated, "I will not tolerate chess nuts boasting in an open foyer!"
Last edited by Myx on Tue Jun 03, 2003 9:34 pm, edited 1 time in total.
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Jedi_Vader20
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Jedi_Vader20
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On the plot of this really rich farmer live Horse and Chicken, who are the best of friends. Totally inseparable.
They're wandering around the farmer's plot one day when Horse falls in a mud puddle and starts sinking. "Help Chicken! Help Chicken! I can't get out! I can't get out!" So Chicken runs around and runs around trying to find the farmer, but the farmer is no where to be seen.
But Chicken does find the farmer's Mercedes. You know, really rich farmer. So Chicken back the Mercedes up to the mud puddle, hooks a rope around Horse, and pulls Horse to safety. Horse is very grateful for this of course. "Oh thank you chicken Chicken, you saved my live."
Couple of days later Horse and Chicken are wandering around the farmer's plot and Chicken falls into a mud puddle. "Help Horse! Help Horse! I can't get out! I can't get out!" So Horse steps over the mud puddle and tells Chicken, "Grab on!" and pulls Chicken to safety.
And do you know what the moral of this story is?
If you're hung like a horse you don't need a Mercedes to pick up chicks.
They're wandering around the farmer's plot one day when Horse falls in a mud puddle and starts sinking. "Help Chicken! Help Chicken! I can't get out! I can't get out!" So Chicken runs around and runs around trying to find the farmer, but the farmer is no where to be seen.
But Chicken does find the farmer's Mercedes. You know, really rich farmer. So Chicken back the Mercedes up to the mud puddle, hooks a rope around Horse, and pulls Horse to safety. Horse is very grateful for this of course. "Oh thank you chicken Chicken, you saved my live."
Couple of days later Horse and Chicken are wandering around the farmer's plot and Chicken falls into a mud puddle. "Help Horse! Help Horse! I can't get out! I can't get out!" So Horse steps over the mud puddle and tells Chicken, "Grab on!" and pulls Chicken to safety.
And do you know what the moral of this story is?
If you're hung like a horse you don't need a Mercedes to pick up chicks.
"I'll have to confess, Mr. Chairman, that I am also a video game player. I have worked my way up to Civilization IV. I haven't yet been able to beat it but I at least understand the fundamentals of it." - Texas Representative Joe Barton
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FireAza
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I remembered this joke today, it's great 
Did you hear about the pimp who couldn't spell?
He bought a warehouse.
Did you hear about the pimp who couldn't spell?
He bought a warehouse.
"For AUS$300, you get FireAza drawing your screen image." -MartinBlank "Oh shit. For once, FireAza is right." -Deacon
"FireAza, if you're really that sneaky and quiet then you can sleep in my bed anytime, mister." -kizba
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