BLAH!

Shyknight · Post by **Shyknight** » Tue Sep 16, 2003 2:37 am

Blah. That's how I'm feeling. See, I'm bored. Like, really bored. I know that I'm only 18 and that there's tons of stuff out there for me to see... but for some reason I feel like I've already seen and done it all. I don't know what to do to break out of this weird apathetic boredom.

There is this... gap... where something fits in. Something lasting, something whole, something meaningful... but I don't know what to put in there. It's a mystery.

I know there are a lot of gamers in here. Have you ever been playing the latest, greatest game, and having a ton of fun all day? But then the day is over, and it still feels wasted... Even if you spend a whole weekend with a bunch of your closest friends and have a blast... after it's over, it's over. Happiness can only last so long before it runs dry. It is never a permanent thing, unlike eating, drinking, sleeping, dreaming, and thinking endlessly about questions which cannot be answered.

You can dream about having/owning/doing something... and then once the dream is fulfilled, you are no longer satisfied. The 'gap' in you grows to fit your appetite.

I've tried filling the gap with games. Only a temporary solution. Even games that were the ultimate in fun a month ago, are now abandoned as old and tired. What's more, I've played so many over my lifetime that nothing a game developer can turn out surprises me anymore. None of them hold any challenge or mystery. So while games may be a way to pass the time, that is all they are. They can bring no happiness.

I've tried filling the gap with food. All my favorite foods... ice cream and pizza and tacos and hamburgers... chocolate and pretzels and sandwiches and weird delicacies I've never tried... food from all sorts of restaurants... regular feasts and binges (with no subsequent purging) and as many flavors of caffeinated soda as they make. Sure, they taste good, but once they're gone... you just have a tummyache. No longer is the feeling of fullness fulfilling or appeasing to me. It is only the end to a nuisance. Any food will do... just a chore I have to complete. Boring.

I've tried filling the gap with movies. All sorts of movies. Action movies, romance movies, sci-fi movies, foreign films, flash movies on Newgrounds, weird movies that people link to on the forums, really old movies that came out years ago, I even tried to make my OWN movies (that was a disaster) and all sorts of crap on the TV. Rare and precious are the few moments when these movies actually entertain me or get me to laugh. And they last only a brief period of time before I am enveloped by this strange nothingness once again. Most of them I forget unless my memory of them is somehow jogged. Waste of time.

I've tried filling the gap with friends. All sorts of friends. Quiet friends, loud friends, depressed friends, friends with ADD, gamer friends, club friends, sports friends, lunchtable gossip girly friends, christian friends, druggie friends, D&D friends, LDR friends... they're good for a while and then they start to lose the magic. It's nice to have someone to talk to, but then there are always the things you can't talk about with anyone... and it's nice to hang out with someone for a day, or maybe a couple days... but then no matter how good a friend they are, they start to get on your nerves and you need your space, in your room, with your thoughts. Then once you've got your space you realize you're still REALLY, REALLY BORED.

I've tried filling the gap with pr0n. Lots and lots of pr0n. Ashamed as I am of it, I must warn you young ones who may be tempted. Don't. Just DON'T. It's not even worth your time. Wow, naked ladies... that one looks very similar to the other ones in my library of several gigs. And hey, look, they're having sex. How original. How stimulating. Seriously, I've watched enough of this crap to last a lifetime. It's absolute smut. Bunch of filthy whores. And me a pathetic pervert gazing at them in a darkened room for lack of anything better to do. Doesn't do a THING for me anymore. I can't even masturbate anymore, it feels like I'm molesting myself! The orgasm has become a dull and messy chore that brings no happiness. Boring. Utter waste of time. I'm gonna go delete it all right now.

Then finally, as a last resort, I tried filling the gap with religion. I thought maybe God really IS the answer to this whole life thing. I read the Bible, more than I ever had... I actually learned the story of the gospel as written, and not through some priest's mouth or something I watched on TV. I went to youth group meetings and found people who were all nicey nicey and the biggest sin they had done in the past few months was to watch a PG-13 movie. I learned to love these people, I became friend with them, and I pretended to pray with them, and I pretended to get 'saved' (because DAMMIT, they say you have to believe it with your heart, and i'm not sure I have one). You know what guys... for all the deep reflection and attempted prayers, for all the reading of scriptures and Bible study nights I've attended, I haven't found God for even a moment. In fact I felt MORE close to God BEFORE I started seeking Him. So... nope, no happiness there. No fulfillment. No sense of holy righteousness. No looking forward to the afterlife. Boring. And *appears* to be an utter waste of time.

The funny thing is I haven't felt happy all day today until I started bitching and whining to you people about how crappy my life is. It feels kinda good.

I can't get no satisfaction, I can't get no satisfaction
'Cause I try and I try and I try and I try
I can't get no, I can't get no

When I'm drivin' in my car, and the man come on the radio
He's tellin' me more and more about some useless information
Supposed to fire my imagination

I can't get no. Oh, no, no, no. Hey, hey, hey
That's what I say
I can't get no satisfaction, I can't get no satisfaction
'Cause I try and I try and I try and I try
I can't get no, I can't get no

Eihger · Post by **Eihger** » Tue Sep 16, 2003 3:40 am

you have described my life

Rorschach · Post by **Rorschach** » Tue Sep 16, 2003 8:28 am

Maybe you should do some voluntary work, help the homeless or something
Not only would it fill your time it would help you get a sense of perspective about your problems

Fixer · Post by **Fixer** » Tue Sep 16, 2003 12:29 pm

as enigmatic as this sounds, I feel I must reply with one of my favorite self-quotes:

"The purpose of life is a life of purpose."

You will have no direction in your life until you decide where you want to go. Then.... start walking.

Shyknight · Post by **Shyknight** » Tue Sep 16, 2003 1:13 pm

Eihger: Then I'm worse off than I thought.

Rorschach: excellent idea. I might look into that.

Fixer: thank you for that insight, oh wise man on a hill.

Blah.

Mavolent · Post by **Mavolent** » Tue Sep 16, 2003 1:58 pm

if anything get yourself a girlfriend, it's helped me...

seriously tho, i'd go with Rorschach's advise, helping others often can help yourself.

Fixer · Post by **Fixer** » Tue Sep 16, 2003 2:34 pm

[quote="Mavolent";p="159219"]if anything get yourself a girlfriend, it's helped me...

[/quote]
I must wholeheartedly disagree.

Looking to someone else to make you happy with your life is not mentally healthy. You begin relying on the 'partner', which creates tension. If they have a personality where they need to feel needed all the time, then things will work out, but a lot of people aren't wired that way. It is best to be happy with yourself and who you are and not rely on someone else to make you feel important or loved.

SothThe69th · Post by **SothThe69th** » Tue Sep 16, 2003 3:46 pm

Switch religion and pr0n around in that, and you've about got me. I find that literature, i.e. actual books, can keep one occupied, also, finding something that you can never really complete, like learning chess, or C++ or something, can also keep you occupied for far too long.

Skorpion · Post by **Skorpion** » Tue Sep 16, 2003 4:30 pm

They do say that the more you seek something, the harder it is to find. Go take up a sport or something, and quit being so philosophical. Once you stop seeking happiness, it will find you.

Mavolent · Post by **Mavolent** » Tue Sep 16, 2003 7:05 pm

I must wholeheartedly disagree.

i was just joking about that anyway...

RadicalDreamer · Post by **RadicalDreamer** » Tue Sep 16, 2003 9:03 pm

I hate youth groups.

Post by **Martin Blank** » Tue Sep 16, 2003 9:13 pm

[quote="Rorschach";p="159147"]Maybe you should do some voluntary work, help the homeless or something
Not only would it fill your time it would help you get a sense of perspective about your problems[/quote]
You may want to look into Habitat for Humanity. It can give you three possible things:

The satisfaction of doing volunteer work
Usable skills and possibly even insight into a career
People network that you can build on to find new opportunities, friends, etc

Jezebel · Post by **Jezebel** » Tue Sep 16, 2003 9:17 pm

Or you could became a buddy for a person that has a terminal disease. There are tons of organizations out there that allow for this. You can become strictly a 'phone friend' type thing, or just be someone that goes to visit them and take them places. Or you could look into becoming a Big Brother.

Eihger · Post by **Eihger** » Tue Sep 16, 2003 10:42 pm

Soth: I take Chess AND C++ at shcool and I STILL have emptyness

The Forum Hillbilly · Post by **The Forum Hillbilly** » Wed Sep 17, 2003 3:45 am

Or you could became a buddy for a person that has a terminal disease. There are tons of organizations out there that allow for this. You can become strictly a 'phone friend' type thing, or just be someone that goes to visit them and take them places. Or you could look into becoming a Big Brother.

My sister joined Big Brothers/Big Sisters and she loved it, I plan on doing that, but as for the buddy for ther terminal patient, I couldn't do that, I get attached to people, so when they did die, I wouldn't be able to stand that.

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