BLAH!

[Shyknight]

I'd like to do stuff like this guys, but I'm afraid that people won't like me. I never was the social friendly type. Sometimes my glares of frustration and long awkward silences can come off as just plain rude. Seriously, I can see bums at the soup kitchen being more charismatic than me. "Who the fuck is this jerk? Looks like he's got one of them ladles up his ass." I wouldn't want to go into public service just to have people wish somebody else were doing it... and I certainly don't want to risk being a crappy Big Brother for some kid who deserves better. Being a buddy for people with terminal illness... now that's serious. It would take a person who is usually cheerful to pull that off. And it would be emotional. Sure would complicate the fuck out of my life real quick.

My English teacher got very close to yelling at me today... because I went against her assigned topic for an essay. The essay is to paint a portrait of 'the college student' using your own observations and reflections. I wanted the focus of my paper to be on how college students are really indefinable, and how they are so diverse that any sort of generalization would be foolish. The teacher called this "refusing to do the assignment" and kept asking me things like "don't you have an opinion on this at all? haven't you in your time on this campus observed..." Thing is, I'm not a very observant person. I might notice if you get a haircut, but I don't care about your clothes, and I won't notice if you get new shoes, or how straight your teeth are, or any of those little things. I can go to the same place for years and never notice a certain thing on the wall, and unless I talk to you often I probably won't remember your name. Instead of bothering to memorize my social security number, I just keep the card with me at all times. I didn't even learn the streets of towns I lived in until i was *forced* to by needing to drive myself. Really when I think about it, I don't notice crap. I'm blind as a fucking bat. I got tunnel vision. Only focus on the 'important' stuff. And here I am bitching about how there's nothing left to do anymore. Bah. Disregard everything I say. No wait, disregard that.

[Vidtani]

dude ... my life in a nut shell.

[Martin Blank]

Two things:

1. Stop carrying your Social Security card with you. If your wallet gets stolen, your identity is worth a cool $100 to someone who will use it to destroy your life for the next six months or more, and you could get lose out on loans and grants until it gets cleaned up. You have no clue how badly fucked up your life can get when someone gets your identity. Some people are still trying to crawl out YEARS later.

2. See a therapist. You can whine about it and complain that you don't want to and how you don't see a need to... You need to. You either have emotional problems that need to be dealt with, or you have a chemical imbalance, or possibly both. Whether through talking or through a prescription, if your situation is as bad as you detail here, you need help, and this is coming from someone who is more likely to seek out mundane solutions or tell you to suck it up.

[Terrene]

How do you become a buddy for a person with a disease? That sounds like something I'd want to do.

[Jezebel]

Volunteer Application, that one is for AIDS, which happens to be the one I'm going to apply for when I get things settled down, but I'm sure they have similar ones for cancer patients and the like.