Maybe this title will entice people to view this thread

[Quelkron]

This is the first part of a story that I am working on. The working title is Shadow Weaver. I have most of the first two chapters written, and have for a few months. I have finaly gotten back into writing it, and I figued that it might be a good idea to post the first part here to get some opinions. So any advice or comments would be very helpful.

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Time is always with us; she is the ever-present moderator of our lives. Nothing is done without her seeing. More importantly nothing is done without her undoing it. Men will always try to make a lasting mark on history, and as they lay on their deathbeds and feel content that they will be remember for what they have done, time is already unraveling what they spent their lives doing. They die content, believing in their own success, and are forgotten. Their failure is complete and they never know. Time is a cruel companion, she travels with you throughout life, keeping you company. It is not until you fall for the last time that she leaves you behind stopping only to whisper in your ear, "You are not but a fleeting thought in my memory."


Three men walked down a palace hallway, those who turn and look at the procession immediately recognize them. The man in front is Alvis Gullveig, hereditary king of Glenhild. As the group proceeded through the halls the crowds around them fell silent and the onlookers bowed their respect to the young king who had succeeded his father two years previous at the age of twenty. Many of the onlookers noted as they watched him that his face, though young, had an air of experience. The man standing next to Alvis is identified by most as Jarak, the king’s bodyguard. To those who knew the king he was identified as Jarak, the king’s confidant, though only a common solider. The third man is Tyr, the king’s advisor. A cold and hard man Tyr was not popular amoung the people but Alvis knew him to be knowledgeable and trustworthy. The loud clink of Jarak’s blue and silver ceremonial armor contrasted the king’s silent strides. His dark eyes scanned the crowds and passersby, his hand rest on the hilt of his sword, ready to protect his king at a moments notice.

The king deliberately walked slowly; he could sense his advisor's anxiousness as they walked. There is time enough, he thought to himself. He stopped in front of the silver and green door of the council chamber and stood looking at the doors with a look of concentration on his face as he studied the features of the engraving. His amber eyes followed the doors up as it curved inward with the walls until they tapered to a point. Alvis could feel that his advisors impatience was almost tangible, and he knew it was about to become vocal, so he spoke first.

"Look at this Jarak," the king said to the guard behind him, "have you ever seen such beautiful carvings?"

Jarak stooped close to the door to examine the carving. Though he had seen these doors hundreds of times he had never noticed the detail of the carvings, let alone examined them closely.

"No, sire, never."

"You see how the individual leaves stand out from the background and yet melt perfectly into whole image. No two leaves are the same, and yet when put together they form a picture in perfect harmony with itself; no leaf stands out more than any of the others. In fact the doors themselves form a perfect harmony with their surrounding, the design of the door flows delicately into the sweeping, almost organic style of the palace.” He ran his hand gently over the carvings. “It is all built to perfection,” he whispered, his soft voice conveying a sense of respect.

“Yes, sire.”

“It took the man who made these doors nearly a year of work. Every detail had to be delicately carved, and at any sign of a mistake he had to start over. When it was finally complete it was put in the palace, out in the open where people can see it's beauty, and yet the true workmanship is ignored. This mans greatest work goes unnoticed everyday by those that surround it." He slowly pulled his hand from the door. "Do you know who that craftsman was?"

"No, sire.”

"Nobody does. These doors have been here for two hundred years, but the man is forgotten. His greatest work remains long after he has been devoured by history, and yet no one sees it even though it is right in front of them. Eventually the door will decay and not the man nor his work will be remembered, his only mark is already fading into time."

"It is a shame, sire."

"Yes, a shame indeed," the king answered quietly; a serene expression washed over his face.

The king’s advisor finally spoke, “Sire, I think it would be best if you continued to attend to your duties and admired the artwork at a later time.”

The king smiled, “I suppose you are right, Tyr, we mustn’t keep our guests waiting.”

The king pressed his hand against the towering doors in front of him. The perfectly balanced doors swung open with nigh but a whisper. Alvis walked into the council chamber followed by Jarak and Tyr. The two ambassadors from Ranheim stood as the king entered the room.

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This is just the first chapter, if any interest is exhibited I'll post the second chapter and whatever else I might continue to add.

[Quelkron]

Hmmm, Over all I like it. The opening paragraph seems like it fits well enough with the rest of the passage. I quite like the description of the door given by the king, it gives a vivid image. The dialouge seems natuaral enough and the passage manages to show something distinct about all of the characters.

Now onto the crits. The second paragraph where the characters are introduced seems a bit contrived, as if you were really reaching for a way to bring them into the scene and introduce them. I think it may be a case of simply trying to hard to not look like you are trying. Overall I think you need to add in more descriptions throughout the passage, mostly focusing on the characters. The only place you really describe them is in the beginning, and I already went over that. It might seem more natural if you fit descriptive passages about them into the text in appropriate places.

Beside those points I like what you have.

[Quelkron]

Quelkron: Thanks! I was happy with the description of the door and how it fits with the first paragraph. I worked for quite a while on that whole theme, so to here someone else like it is good.

I see your point about the second paragraph. It does seem a bit forced. On a whole I am not that good at descriptions, so I try to avoid using them in excess, though I should practice them so that I can put more in. Thanks for the advice.

[Quelkron]

If you need help with character desciptions I would suggest reading some stuff written by Orson Scott Card. Not only his books but the various things that he has wriiten about how to write about characters. A lot of these things can be found on his website Hatrack River. A great site in general, but if you dig around a little you can find some usefull stuff. You might even try posting this on one of the writting forums there.

Hope this helps.